Movie

Last month, I wrote “This is what the Full House cast would have looked like in an alternate dimension where everything right is wrong” about the atrocity that is the first official cast photo from Lifetime’s Full House movie. They couldn’t find someone better than an ex of Miley Cyrus to pay homage to most ’90s girls and gay boys’ first crush Uncle Jesse. Same goes for the actor cast as Danny Tanner, whose most interesting credit on IMDb is that he played a Marine in Pirates of the Caribbean…the video game. And the geometric shapes, funky musical notes and yarn people adornments from the Tanner girls’ outfits were swapped out for boring floral patterns. It can’t get any worse, I thought.

But it just did with this clip from the movie. Let’s watch, shall we?

Okay, wait. Why are they in the living room from Everybody Loves Raymond? It’s like these producers have never even seen an episode of the show. Anyway, I digress…

The gang tries to stop Uncle Joey from dumping Michelle outside. Dark. Then, Uncle Jesse talks smack about the stupid babies he has to work with and tries to get them fired. And then Danny Tanner talks about wanting to install a pole and invite some strippers over in front of a young bemused Stephanie. Yikes.

As if this clip wasn’t enough, Lifetime released more photos from the set. Because I’m a masochist, I’m going to go through and analyze them:

Those creepy twins from The Shining haven’t aged a day!

Was the budget on this project so low that they couldn’t afford to hire a real dog to play Comet? Dear goddess, I hope so. If this movie is going to be this terrible, it might as well camp it up.

Looking over the Miley breakup texts. Stephanie is on her side.

The only thing San Franciscan about this living room is the subtle copy of San Francisco magazine on the table. Nice work, set designers! Do Uncle Jesse and Michelle know there’s a creepy lady intruder hiding next to the couch? Maybe Comet, who’s kicking it in the background, would protect them, if he wasn’t a stuffed animal.

This child actress is meeting with her lawyers. She plans to sue her parents for signing her up for this trainwreck of a TV movie.

Kimmy Gibbler is KILLING IT in the background, as she always does. And eternal HA HA HAs are in order for those insane wigs they put on Nicky and Alex. Oh no, I’m starting to get excited for this mess.

Are the producers idiots or evil geniuses? We’ll find out on August 22, when The Unauthorized Full House Story premieres on Lifetime.